Everyone, including those in healthy relationships, experience anger. And when this happens, it is important to maintain strong communication with the other person - even when you’re angry.

Obviously that’s easier said than done. It’s not uncommon to escalate, bring up unresolved issues, and say things you might not mean. Let’s go over some ways to communicate more effectively when angry.

1. Focus on Regulation

Take a moment to notice what is going on in your body and not just your thoughts. Your body is probably in fight, flight, or freeze mode.To have a productive conversation, your frontal lobe needs to be engaged and regulated.  

Without your frontal lobe you may yell, abandon the other person, say things you don’t mean, or bring other issues into the conversation that only makes things worse. Take breaks, breath, or use any host of regulation techniques such as walking, running, splashing your face with water, showering, meditating, or taking time for a relaxing hobby.

2. Stay on Topic

Anger-fueled conversations can spiral quickly from one topic to a messy can of worms. It can make you say things without giving your words much thought. While it’s hard to control, you should do your best to recognize what it is that upset you and stay on that topic. Jungle-gym conversations become more fused, more upsetting, and harder to solve. If the conversation starts to go off track, each person needs to be mindful to bring it back to the starting place.

3. Consider Your Partner’s Perspective

If you and your partner are in a heated discussion, the fastest way to cool it down is by sharing the other person’s perspective. In arguments people tend to focus on being the loudest and being heard. Most of the time people are not even listening to what their partner is saying because they are so busy thinking of what they want to say next.

It is important to hear your partner. Listening to their point of view might make it easier to understand why they did or said something you perceived as wrong. Then, when you repeat back their perspective, the tension immediately drops and the conversation can be productive.

4. Remember You’re On the Same Team

When you’re angry about something, it’s easy to feel like the whole world is against you. That includes your partner, even if your anger isn’t directed toward them. 

When you’re calm and ready to have a healthy conversation, remember that you’re on the same team. It is the two of you against the problem.

In sessions we often practice these techniques and I teach other tailored communication suggestions based on the needs of the couple. If you are interested in learning more about how therapy can help you, contact me so we can get you on the same page.