Experts found that couples are usually arguing about the same handful of repetitive issues. Arguments can take different forms, but at the core of the argument lies the true issue at hand. Many core issues can fall under these 5 categories.

1. Unmet Needs

Everyone has non-negotiable needs that we often hope or expect our partner to fill. These needs could be a combination of attention, affection, support, feeling heard, etc. During the early days of your relationship, you likely spent every waking moment trying to make sure you took care of your partner’s needs. Yet as time goes on, this may have fallen to the wayside. That’s actually completely normal with every relationship. Over time, we tend to stop working so hard to please our partners because we get comfortable. And while this is inevitable, it can feel neglectful. One of the top reasons a couple will argue is because, underneath the surface, there is a lack of attention, affection, or gratitude happening within the relationship.

2. Finances

The way we view and spend money goes much deeper than purchases or savings for the month. Family of origin, home environment, and early financial security, among other things, all inform our spending habits. This creates fertile ground for arguments over money because the topic is loaded. As you can imagine, the argument can extend to future plans as well. If one person wants to save for a house or a big trip, the spending habits of the other could have an impact on those plans. Financial transparency, honesty, and managed expectations will go a long way to ease conflict over money.

3. Housework

It might seem silly to argue about who didn’t take out the garbage or who unloaded the dishwasher last. But if you find yourself carrying an unequal burden of the household chores, these grievances can accumulate and cause great frustration. Keeping a household running successfully requires effort from both partners. You can set reasonable expectations in your relationship if both partners feel heard and contribute to the household’s cleanliness. If you hate washing dishes but don’t mind washing laundry, ask your partner if they can clean up after dinner while you fold. You don’t need to go tit-for-tat on chores, but it is helpful to divide the labor equitably.

4. Child Rearing

Before kids, many couples talk about how many kids they want to have and pick out baby names. Not enough couples discuss their opinions and values on how to actually raise kids. How a person approaches raising their children is often based on their own upbringing, a parenting method they believe in, any research they may have done, and current life circumstances. Communicating with each other your own upbringing and what you agree with and don’t agree with along with learning about different parenting styles helps couples get more on the same page.

5. Communication

A relationship will never last if you aren’t communicating with one another. You might not want to hurt your partner’s feelings or be vulnerable with them, so you avoid.. An underlying reason people argue in relationships is that they aren’t really communicating. They don’t express their needs, frustrations, or wants—but become upset when their partner doesn’t pick up on something. Another common communication blocker are your phones. If you or your partner is on a device instead of using the opportunity to connect, it will lead to larger issues.

In sessions we openly communicate about what is not working and the disconnects they are causing. Couples can continue the conversations at home and find the resolutions they are looking for. If you are interested in learning more about how therapy can help you, contact me so we can get you on the same page.